Off-Topic: What’s missing?

I've written approximately 34 blogs so far and I almost feel like scratching it all and starting over. Or just knit-picking at all the details because these stories don't feel quite ready. They don't feel perfect or at all as I had hoped.

Perhaps I need a little more guidance with my writing? Maybe I need to present these middle-school facades and the commentary in a different setting. I've tried doing a vlog, and I'm far too concerned about my identity and story getting out. I feel safer writing my story and hiding behind words. Some of the details of these journal entries are far too embarrassing to read out loud, so instead I type.

But how can I present the middle-school me and compare it to myself without confusing the reader or letting the lessons come forward in a thought-provoking way? My constant inputs in the diary entries can be annoying and sort of act as a writing pause. It keeps the writing from flowing as neatly as it would if I had just written before and/or after each entry.

What is also a problem is how many entries I really have, and how I'm trying so hard to squeeze 5-6 entries into one blog post to prove a lesson I have learned. Sometimes, it turns out to be really good. Other times, it's a jumbled up, unrelated mess. So what the hell is missing?

As a writer, I really want to continue to focus on the task at hand, and work out each issue. My main task is to present the life of me as an Air Force Brat, not a loser clingy girlfriend with friend troubles. But how am I supposed to get more real than that? It's my life. I hope to perhaps start a new set of blog posts here that involve maybe other brats and their issues that are pretty similar to my own.

Any ideas or tips would be kindly appreciated.

Big Girls Don’t Cry

We meet people for a reason. Some of the people we meet give us lessons that carry heartbreak and sadness. Others bring us happiness and help us grow. Jon was a mix of those two types of people.

Monday September 12th, 2011  10:00 pm    " Jerk It Out" Caesars Palace

Last week was rough. I ran for Secretary/Treasurer. I put up posters, passed out candy, and gave a speech for the whole school. It was SICK. Today we voted and Collin Nix became President, Micheal Wiggins became Vice President, and Lexi Russo became Secretary/Treasure 😦  But she's failed a grade so if her grades drop or if she goes to high school in 4 months, I could have another chance. Tomorrow I'll find out if I placed second. Jon's doing the spelling bee. He's pretty good too. But since all Jon hangs out with Bailee and Sydney all the time I worry that they love him… They are my friends too. It just makes me sad that I can't tell Jon I feel this way. He might just try them out. If he does, I could never forgive him for what he did, nor forgive myself for whom I had loved.

My insecurities got the best of me in high school and middle school, just like any girl. Battling them was the hard part.

Friday September 16th, 2011  9:00 pm    "SOS" Abba

I don't know what to feel. I feel so dead. It's like my spirit sat up and walked out the door. I'm so empty, stressed… emotional. All these feelings are trapped inside. Nobody to love, Nobody to lean on, Nobody to trust, Nobody to talk to, and nobody that understands. I feel like I have wasted almost 2 years of my young life for a boy that seems to not care about me at all…

I try everything. I try giving an effort to hold this relationship together and he… well… he just stands there so quiet and motionless (If your boyfriend puts in 0% and you're putting in the 100%, it's time to leave). This pain… that comes from deep inside is the loneliness I feel now everyday for the past week. If I go for another week like this, I think I could die inside. I feel so stupid for crying over a boy that doesn't care that I am. If I told him I was, he would make a big *sigh* and say, "What is it?"… He's just so different now..

 

Saturday September 17th, 2011  9:00 pm   "Shadow of the Day" Linkin Park

I'm taking it slow, processing my mind. I can't think alone anymore without tearing up. I don't want to let go. I just can't. I'm trying to let things pass by. I'm trying to hold on and be stronger but it kills me inside. The way he does things makes me feel worthless, unappreciated, and so miserable.

I know that deep inside me, besides everything else, that I deeply love him. That is why I've been holding on. I'm holding on for him (when I should be letting go). Waiting for him to change. if he can't I would have to let go and that would be the hardest thing I've ever done.

No guy or partner will change for you. It took me 10 years to realize that. But for some reason I decided to keep hoping for change. As I write this, I notice that I chose the song "Shadow of the Day" by Linkin Park. Sadly the lead singer, Chester Bennington died recently. This song is one of his most underrated songs.

Monday September 19th, 2011   8:30 pm   "I Run To You" Lady Antebellum

Things are getting better 🙂

Yesterday I got myself a haircut. I love it. It really cheered me up after a depressing weekend. Jonathan got one too and how he has it short and not like "Justin Bieber" .

I also got a feather flair in my hair! This Friday is the school dance! I need to learn how to dance. I hope this weekend will be okay.

 

Thursday September 22nd, 2011 9:40 pm "Gives You Hell" The All-American Rejects

Two days since Jonathan broke up with me on the phone. I didn't cry. I've been trying to stay strong and not show him I'm sad. Pretending to be happy has actually helped me be happy and move on.

Tomorrow night is the dance. I want to have fun with my friends. ….. I kind of want Jon to miss me… (No!)… I want him to love me again (NO)…. hold me tight (NO!) …. Kiss me and tell me how much he misses me (He won't because I need to open my eyes and see that he's a jerk).

I'm just going to have to see how this unfolds.

I was so stupid when it came to relationships. I had no clue what it was like to be treated well in one and the signs that I wasn't being treated well.

Saturday September 24th, 2011  1:30 am "Two Is Better Than One" Boys Like Girls

So much happened. The dance was okay. Had fun dancing. I kept trying to get them to play "Fall for You" (That was like, our song) by Secondhand Serenade. They didn't. So I tried asking them to play one slow song at least before we left.. they said sure.. they didn't 😡 So me and Bailee, well just me, couldn't slow dance. I was going to ask Jonathan… He came and showed me his wristband he had from last year at the fair… He had kept it all this long. Sweet. So after the dance we all were hoping Bailee and Eric would kiss, but they couldn't because Mrs. Fricks sent us to the bus drivers side not the car riders side! 😦 So I told Jon the whole truth… He hugged me! I think we might be loving again… Yet, we're not together. I don't really care if we are… I just love knowing we love/like each other!

So we talked that night and I knew that I was doing this for him. I want him to not worry anymore. We're certain we won't date anyone else and I feel that me and Jon always gravitate around each other.

The thing is I love him so much I don't care how long we've dated or how many times we've had to break up. We always learn from our mistakes (Or we don't because we're naive little children). It's just that our parents wouldn't approve… they think we should date around. I don't want to.. I've found everything I needed right here (But how do you know what you need or want if you haven't looked into anything else?). Our friends wouldn't approve either… some say "It's about time!" that we broke up but they don't understand that we just have a strong connection. I'm not sure if Jon still feels that way. I felt that if I told him…. I would give myself away. My strength of letting go…

Are we falling for each other? All over again? We remember so much… Our world of just us… in a forest holding each other, rain dripping off leaves…. slow dances… fair… judgement house… snow…. Valentines… Pool…. We're going to miss out on making more memories.

I think in the break me and Jonathan had, I had found some independence and strength. I sort of enjoyed being able to not rely on anyone else but myself for my own happiness. If I were to return to Jon, I felt like I would lose all of that. I wish that I would've spent more time on my own in those years so I could find myself.

September 30th, 2011  11:15 pm  "Gonna Get Over You" Sara Barielles

Can't go to the fair this weekend with my friends because of my parent's ball 😡

I've been working pretty hard on a lot of things that have improved recently. My social life, my looks, my grades, and my athletics.

I guess those things have taken my mind off the fact that Jonathan will only love me in my dreams. I've got to accept it even if it's literally breaking my heart into microscopic pieces. I just want to get in his head… ugh… I despise how much I think about him.

I did school pictures and family photos today in a scarf and boots. Me and Sarah talk about Mrs. Bratcher the Art Teacher a lot because we think she's obsessed with me and my artwork.

Anyway, we had club day this week, running for historian in Beta, Camp Don Lee Field trip soon, Fair most likely next week, went to Logan's tonight and saw Mrs. Mozingo which seems odd that I've seen her everywhere.

It's raining so I feel sorry for the people who went to the fair tonight. Football in gym was good, our team made it to champions along with getting tackled in the thigh and wounded with Britni as well. My dad is going to start conditioning me for soccer this year 🙂

Going to Minnesota for Christmas. Watched a good movie in Mrs. Davis's class this week. Britni McAldruff is dating Jonathan Stevens. I have to say that he is a tad charming in a way I also think I'm getting too flirty with my friend Cainen… who broke his leg a few weeks ago and Khalik Greene kicked it 8 times "on accident" and is suspended or might get pressed charges against for medical bills. Cainen had to go back to the hospital and get X-rays.

Also, Sydney W. and Brittany W. slapped each other because Sydney has been flirting with Ryan, Brittany's boyfriend and Sydney's ex. Josh and Alex fought and got suspended.

I am deciding between two electives next semester. I want to sing really bad. Not because of Jonathan, but because I want to prove myself I can reach a level like Yehdarm, my pretty Asian girlfriend (we used to call her), and Mary Lindsay. But I want to stay in Home Ec because Bailee is going to be in my class! We're going to have babies together. Like those dolls that cry for an assignment. Did I tell you that Trey is trying to ask me out? Ew.

 

I have to say, I didn't learn very much these past few weeks due to my brain not being fully developed yet. I made very desperate and poor decisions to try to get my boyfriend back, and what I learned was, that if it was meant to be, it would be. You cannot force anything to happen the way you want it to. It can be difficult trying to cope with breakups when you've never been through one before, but they are quite beneficial to go through because you come out of it stronger than before.You need to feel pain once in awhile to be thankful for the parts of life where you're not in any pain.

Weather Me Down

Hurricanes, Tornadoes, and Blizzards may stop many from enjoying their first week at school. But not this girl. I was positive that THIS was the year that would change everything. THIS was the year where nothing could bring me down. That mentality  would slowly but surely die out like an outdoor candle.

Monday, August 22nd, 2011  8:30 pm  "Keep Your Head Up" Andy Grammer

Just had an okay day. I went to Raleigh, my mom got her stitches removed from surgery and it was embarrassing to be in the plastic surgery center. We also went to Trader Joe's, which is pretty awesome. Then we ate at Bahama Breeze, a Caribbean joint. Came home, then we went to my open house for school. I saw friends, frenemies, and other people. Oh, and Jonathan. ❤ The new eighth grade building isn't ready yet. I'm so FREAKING EXCITED FOR SCHOOL!!!! I got some serious goals!! Wish me luck!

My Goals: (Check marks next to each goal means it was met)

✔1. Make-up to Frenemies

✔2. Enhance social life

3. Enhance Romance

4. Improve Grades/Study

✔5. Improve looks

✔6. Improve Attitude

✔7. Make soccer team

8. Be a good sport/athlete

✔9. Become a good artist

✔10. Enhance creativity

11. Become a beautiful person, inside and (possibly) out.

I can do this!

Confident as I was with all of these goals, not all of them quite became true.

Wednesday, August 24th, 2011  9:00pm "Rehab" Amy Winehouse

Last day of summer.

First day of school is tomorrow. I'm prepared. I'm ready. Except I didn't really get the message. Anyway, Hurricane Irene is hitting this weekend and I hope everything makes it out safe. Jonathan is now in Mrs. Morton's class not Mrs. Mathis's. I'm supposed to wake up at 5:45. Sigh. I pray for a good day tomorrow and a very good year. 8th grade!

The thought of a huge Hurricane headed towards North Carolina didn't destroy my outlook on beginning a new year at school. Turns out, it was better than I thought.

Saturday, August 27th, 2011 6:00 pm "Breakeven" The Script

The First day of 8th grade was great. Mrs. Davis is crazy, Mrs. Morton is nice, Mr. Smith is hilarious, and Mrs. Mozingo is fun! I'm going to have a good time hopefully. Oh- and there was a tiny earthquake this week, Friday was great! I felt like I didn't have enough time with Jonathan but I'm sure things will get better. Mrs. Davis drank "Mystery Milk" from students. Everyone watched her in disgust! I'm working on a project in Art and it's going to be great! I'm in Jon's P.E. class this year though- lol. So I'm hoping to have a slumber party soon. It's Saturday and the storm came in the middle of the night and it was hard to sleep. Power didn't operate for about 12 hours. So we just sat around snacking, playing, reading, homework, and watching everything else outside getting soaked and blown with powerful winds. We did okay and the power is on now tonight. So I'm sure we'll be able to see things without tripping now. Certain parts of town didn't do good, like the Berkeley Mall roof. I'm checking up on the Klems. I pray for a wonderful safe year. I pray for the same for others. May the lord help me reach my goals this year. Thank you.

Although dealing without power for twelve hours was rough, I can't imagine what that would be like today, where we all rely heavily on power. I'd honestly deal with another twelve hours without power than deal with a week with Jon's antics, however.

Sunday, September 4th, 2011 9:20 am  "Cosmic Love" Florence + The Machine

We officially moved into our new building this Friday. I finished my art project and art is fun! I'm having fun in all my classes. Tomorrow there is no school because of Labor Day and I'm going to Jon's for a Back to School Party. Yesterday I went to Raleigh and went to Marble's Kids Museum. It was fun and interesting. I saw my mom Hula-Hoop. Then we stopped by Costco and ate at P.F. Changs! Yum! Life is perfect. It hurts to think about not living anymore. Because we're supervised by teachers at school, Jon has no contact with me whatsoever. I try giving him hugs… ugh. But today I hope he's not so uptight. I was on the phone with him yesterday, I think he was being a little annoying. I think I've been very moody and I should probably take something before I go. Stupid Premenstrual cramps. I hate those.

My mom is great. She always knew how to have fun and enjoy life when things are not always that great. The positivity spread from my mom to me, helping blur out my insecurities and worries about myself. My new found confidence and happiness brought light into my dull relationship.

Monday, September 5th, 2011  1:00 am "Scary Monsters and Nice Sprites" Skrillex

Party was okay. Dad said he would pick me up at 7:00! So I talked him. Then he changed the time to 8:00pm. Still lame but I had a blast… sorta. When I got there, Jon and I had to work. So we had no time before everyone got there. We hung out with Laura, Zane- whom smelled like poop-, and the twins. We same and had a feast of shrimp, crab, spicy sausage, potatoes, corn, and hamburgers. Delicious! Me and Jon got alone time for a bit or two but no more than maybe 5-10 minutes, max! It was very gay (not a good term to use, but that's what the kids used back then to describe things that were stupid). We played Xbox, wrestled, and did stuff that we don't do at school or because Jon's afraid of getting into trouble. I got a real cute swimsuit too!

All in all, I think I learned a lot about myself. I didn't really need Jonathan to find any happiness or self-actualization. All I needed were my friends, my family. Maybe I didn't realize it then, but I definitely can see this now. The one good thing that came out of being with Jon those few weeks were not blabbing about boys nonstop with the twins and Laura because I just had one boy to talk about. We all make certain choices in life. These choices are just doors that lead to rooms. Some doors lead to more rooms, some just lead to one. The doors and rooms can always lead us back to the square one. But every room has it's perks and it's ailments. I can easily say that I don't regret the doors I chose.

 

Summer Lovin’ had me Outcast

So here it is. Book three. Year 2011-2012. A lot had happened this year. Wii unveiled the Wii U, which was an idea me and my sister sent in the mail to Nintendo. Casey Anthony was pronounced not guilty in the trial on her daughter, Amy Winehouse died, 700 anti-Wall street protesters were arrested, Steve Jobs died, the Iraq War ends (but not the middle east war on terror), Whitney Houston dies, there was a shooting at the Aurora Movie Theater in Colorado during the premiere of Batman: The Dark Knight Rises, Neil Armstrong dies, and I was starting and finishing my last year in Junior High. I also began adding songs to each of my diary entries to remind myself of the mood I was in, or just what I was listening to. Music sometimes spoke to me more than words did. Highly recommend clicking the link of the song and listening to it while reading.

Sunday, June 19th, 2011 8:00pm     “Hello” Martin Solveig & Dragonette

It’s Father’s Day. I’m over the toilet after seeing a movie and eating at Uncle Yammy’s BBQ Roadhouse my dad chose to eat for dinner. I WANT to puke. Driving home with my dad behind the wheel felt like the longest ride home. While I was waiting to get home, he stopped the car and said, “Oh! Look kids! A rabbit.” Jeez Louise.

Anywho, I’m Alysa. Alysa Marie Ruona. It’s Summer 2011, I’m 13, starting 8th grade this fall, and this will be my last year of Junior High and possibly Goldsboro, NC. We are in the Air Force and move a lot. Well, this is me. Gorgeous? Nah. I’m hot.

Favorite Accessory: My Green Bag

Activities: Soccer, Art, Music, Writing, Reading, Romance ❤

Age: 13

Eyes: Hazel

Pet: Riley the Beagle

Favorite Animal: Puffin, Polar Bear, Otter

Nickname: Lissa, Leena, Ally

Sign: Pisces

Colors: Purple, Green, Blue

Instrument: Piano

Favorite Food: Dumplings, Steak, Chinese Food

(I made a super cute diagram of friends of people  in my diary in the beginning to help with visuals, and today, it really helps remind me of who these people were)

People you should get to Know:

 

This last year of school gave me a different feeling than what I felt in 5th grade. I actually felt really good about myself and I felt like I was at the top of my game. I had my life kind of, sort if, together. So I thought.

Tuesday, June 21st, 2011 2:00pm   “She’s Got A Way” Billy Joel

Have you ever felt that you were stupid? Been there. Actually, that’s where I am now. Feeling stupid. Well, to me, when something comes out of my mouth, it comes out without any thought. Pretty much 40%-50% of the time it’s something super stupid. Usually it’s Jonathan who corrects me on those mistakes. He doesn’t show any rudeness about it. But today, I feel like he’s hiding that he really feels I’m stupid. I’m random, but very smart. I just don’t think about what I’m saying sometimes. I just say it because I’m bored. Today I said to my mom, “I’m exhausted from the Chlorine” because I read somewhere about chlorine taking energy out of you. Her response was that that was the most stupid comment she has ever heard. Sensitive me is now heartbroken and in my bedroom. I refuse to talk to anyone. I shall not come down for dinner. When everyone’s asleep, I’ll get food 🙂

Even today, I say some really stupid stuff. But thankfully, I surround myself with people who not only correct me, but say some really wacky things as well. I wish I could’ve told myself here not to be so hard on myself for the things I say or the way I think. Sometimes people reject you because they’re just not as open-minded.

Wednesday, June 29th, 2011 11:00pm    “Inventing Shadows” Dia Frampton

Have not written in this for about a week. Last Saturday was nice. I went to Jonathan’s and had a nice playdate. Then we went to the movies and saw “Super 8”. That movie I wanted to see. It was pretty good. After we had a “romantic dinner” outside of Sonic eating cheeseburgers and watching the fans creak as they move to different angles. I took pictures of me and Jon on those 25¢ mechanical kiddie rides. One was a horse and the other was what we named the “Pimp-mobile”. We played on the playground while it was pitch black out and went to the highest tower, and I couldn’t resist a kiss. We went down the swirly slide and went home to my parent’s BBQ. The week went by slow, I gained some chub, I went to the dentist, and I am getting a tooth filled in. I’m going to a day camp with my sister to ride some horses. Also, Jonathan is being difficult this week.

Here, I noticed a huge change in my writing. I paid attention to details and moments like I never have before. I’m really grateful to my thirteen-year-old self for doing this because now I can still picture the gross Sonic we were in and the sound of the fans blowing back and forth. Sometimes when you’re this young, you experiment with many things. Writing, sleeping or not sleeping, and trying new DIY activities like saving soda can tabs to make bracelets and belts. I’m not kidding. I had to drink a lot of soda.

Thursday, June 30th, 2011 10:00pm  “You Make My Dreams Come True” Hall & Oates

Tried staying up late, and it turns out it’s 100% impossible to be nocturnal in this Ruona house because there’s always someone that wakes you up and kicks you out of bed. I stayed up to 6:00 am! The sun was rising, and I went to bed for 3 hours before my mom got me up -__-

I’m making Soda Pop Top bracelets. Drinking at least 2 sodas a day (Not good). There’s going to be some 4th of July parties soon!

The next month, I’d realize that although I paid attention to the details, I failed to notice things around me, like fake friends. That lesson, would take years to learn.

Monday, July 4th, 2011  2:00pm   “Shut Up and Let Me Go” – The Ting Tings

At 1:00pm I was at Jon’s house. This was on Sunday and basically we hung out, played Connect Four, and talked. We experimented a little bit (That’s vague), fooled around (Okay) and then we went to Laura’s Party. Their parent’s have a strong German accent. Me, the Twins, and Laura hung out, talked, and then we went to the park…. Most of the time Jonathan wanted me to hang out with him more, so did the girls. We walked back. The girls talked about boys and people I didn’t know. It’s okay. We came back relaxed, girls went to the pool and I stayed back with Jon and Deny and played Xbox. I used the bathroom and Jon was listening to me pee! Eww (That’s some freaky shit now that I think about it)! I have some info but it’s somewhere else. At 9:00 pm we met up at the pool with the Twins and Laura. We saw Jamal and we swam for awhile. Jon and Deny were sneaking around in the dark while we played basketball for a bit on Jamal’s driveway. We walked home before realizing Laura had left her phone case and we met these dudes and I was uncomfortable. So I went home and Laura and the twins walked back with all of them. Jon and Deny popped up and we were very worried. We hung out till they got back. We did fireworks like morning glories, pop-its, and sparklers. I got bit by a fire ant that was in my shoe. It stung. After that we just hung around till it was time to leave. At 12:00 am me and Jon kissed in the car  and made a wish. I wished that life would stay this good (It wouldn’t). Jon wished that I didn’t have to move and I could stay here (That also wouldn’t come true). He gave me my yearbook back and dropped me home. I read what he wrote and it was very sweet. Went to bed, the next morning my family went to the beach and I stayed home (Why would I do that?).

I’m not sure why I spent my 4th of July this year without my family. I definitely should have. But it’s okay to have some alone time also. I hate reading my diary sometimes because I was so oblivious to just how weird my boyfriend at the time was, and how I never really saw it. I was so invested in him. My time, my money, and my focus was mostly on the interior. I never saw the vignette of problems on the outside. It was like I had tunnel-vision. The more distance I made between my parents and I, the more separated and more angry I became at them.

Friday, July 8th, 2011 8:50 pm   “Love is Won” – Lia Ices

I’m mad. My family is crazy. For some reason my family is thinking about buying a new 2-year-old dog name Ruby. I AM MAD! I DON’T WANT A NEW STINKY GIRL BEAGLE IN THIS HOUSE! It’s free, but I DON’T CARE. I love Riley. He’s my favorite pet. I’m not letting a stupid girl dog run around. I wouldn’t mind maybe a baby dog as a different breed. But NOT this one. My parents thought “Ruby & Riley would go perfect together!” Blech! Are they that crazy to buy a new dog when there’s a beautiful perfect one right in front of them???

I was so upset with them. But I was also being a narcissistic brat. I didn’t ever ask why we were getting a dog, I just told them not to. My mom was still upset after her sister passing. She used to tell me that she was sitting by the pool at Disneyworld and was crying behind her sunglasses. So, my mom wanted to get a lap dog. Something else to fill the void while my father was gone, and something to take care of besides us kids. I didn’t know this until after we actually got a dog. She wouldn’t last long.

Tuesday, July 12th, 2011  6:37 pm    “We Didn’t Start The Fire” Billy Joel

We got a girl dog named Lily. She’s cute but getting obnoxious. I’m working out and it’s paying off! Tomorrow I have camp with my sister. I hope it’s fun! Me and Jonathan are like Brother & Sister, Peanut Butter & Jelly, and Boyfriend & Girlfriend (I must’ve not had known what incest was at this point)! We are so close and I ❤ him like crazy! We saw Transformers together last Saturday and this Saturday we want to have a playdate so we can watch Harry Potter Part 1 and be each other’s slaves from a bet we made (not sexual, I swear). Afterward, I hope we can go see the last Harry Potter. This Thursday I have a Dentist Appointment and this Friday is Jordan’s Birthday Party!

So of course I warmed up to the new dog, Lily. She was abused so everytime you went up to her, she would cower at your touch. Cute, but she would often come up to you and paw at you for attention. She would later become a lot worse. But things so far with my Middle-school boyfriend were going smoothly. We would often make bets or dare each other to do things. I just can’t believe Transformers started in 2011, and Harry Potter ended around that time. The weirdness escalates.

Thursday, July 21st, 2011  9:00pm  “Open Arms” Journey

Jordan’s Party was a blast! We had prank calls, and I had bowls of rice. We went swimming and did Karaoke. I gave Jordan expensive perfume. The night before I was at Jonathan’s and we went swimming, watched Harry Potter, played slavery (I want to throw up), and kissed a bunch. It was fun. Today I had my Dentist Appointment that was scheduled last week but I was sick. Lily the dog is annoying. I had my filling and I think I looked better before (I had a chipped tooth from falling on Riley). I’m supposed to go to Jon’s party this Saturday.

With all of these summer parties and swimming, I must’ve had a blast. But there was so much going on in my mind that I never often wrote down. Sometimes it would just build up until I would have a breakdown and write it all out in a long diary entry like this one:

Tuesday, August 2nd, 2011 9:36 pm  “Gravity” Sara Barielles

I’m not sure what to right about….

Me and Jonathan are close. But sometimes I think that’s what’s wrong. Will we last another year together? Of drama, fighting, loving, jealousy, and missing?

I’m leaving. Back to Mountain Home, Idaho. Where I remember not having many friends. Geeky. Falling in love with the stupidest guys (My grammar still wasn’t that great). I don’t want to go back there and remember every boring memory. I’ve fallen in love with NC and most people here. With Jonathan Klem. I’m going to get older without him. And every good friend here. I’m starting high school, which is supposed to be the best years of my life in a small boring town with small boring people. With no friends. No Jon. What am I supposed to do? Should I make the most out of me and Jonathan’s love? Or quit it so I can get chances of making the most of me and other people so my pain of leaving my true love will be relieved?

It’s 8th grade this year. I don’t know what I’m going to do but I better get prepared for any mayhem that is bound to happen.

My attitude towards the year ahead started as more of a negative one. I wasn’t sure what I wanted or needed or what made me happy. But for some reason, I decided to risk a lot and become closer than ever to some of my friends. I dove head first into the worst pain ever. But it was worth it. Pain keeps you alive.

Monday, August 8th, 2011 10:00 pm “I Got My Mind Set On You” George Harrison

I got upset tonight. When I hung up I was ticked. “Screw Him”, I said. He hurt me because he’s the only person I trust to be myself around. I understood he had a headache, and I was being too hyper- or expressional myself. Then he says he’ll talk longer if I act normal. What A JERK. He should do me a favor and maybe go date ” A NORMAL GIRL” because I give him headaches. I’m so mad and sad. Sad because I think about our love. Mad because he’s not getting it. STUPID guy move. Big time. He went to Maryland this weekend. I haven’t seen him in awhile. I auditioned for Snow White today and I got to be Foxy the Fox.

Missoula Children’s Theater was a big part of my life ever since I was little. They come onto Air Force Base and give all kids the chance to be a part in a play production. I’ve been Wolfy in the Jungle Book, a Crow in Hansel & Gretel, and now I’m Foxy the Fox for Snow White. Problems went deeper than the fight on Jonathan’s headaches. I was angry with him and I was angry that we didn’t have much time left. I just needed to be honest with myself and him, but I wasn’t.

Sunday, August 14th, 2011  12:00 am  “Uprising” Muse

Saturday night we had our shows and it went great. I’ll really miss the people that were in it like crazy. Kristie, Jereco, Megan Baldwin, Alicia, and I met a few new people too like a boy who played a grouch dwarf. He like the Hunger Games and “Uprising” by Muse. Awesome! He’s younger and a bit shorter than me though. I also reunited with a person I met in Alaska, her name’s Cayla. So my family, her family, and the Biether’s went to Torero’s after the show. I had a long conversation, then we said bye. Today (Sunday) I plan to have a play date with Jonathan. At the moment he’s having a “guy-sleepover” (or what they call “Spending the night) with Eric Parks. So let’s see how it works out. School is coming very soon!

The best part about being an Air Force brat is that the Air Force is a very small community, and everything is connected and people cross paths often. I love that I was able to catch up with someone who went to Alpenglow Elementary School with me in Alaska. Other Air Force brats like myself find it easy to catch up and then say good bye, knowing that we might run into each other again in the future. That’s the calming effect of being so adaptable. But we can only stretch our adaptability so far before we give in to the pain and closeness of putting our roots in the ground.

Monday, August 25th, 2011  9:00 pm  “You May Be Right” Billy Joel

Yesterday was fun, went swimming, swinging, played yo-yo, watched TV, Connect Four, ate Salmon for Dinner, and played. I love Jonathan because I don’t know what it is that makes me smile. I don’t care about affection I just love knowing he loves me right back. He’s like a brother (This is not a good description to use on your boyfriend, ever), a bestfriend, a true love. He’s understandable. He comes with his pockets full of joy and goofy jokes. He’s crazy. But sometimes he’s so mature he brings my head out of the clouds. Though I’m happy with my head dreaming and believing, I can still be as happy with him here on the ground facing reality with his hand in mine. I dreamed about school. I think I’m getting really excited. Also, it’s my last week of summer.

I think Jonathan only wanted to have our playdates at his parent’s house because we had all of upstairs to ourselves and we could kiss and mess around at will. He never really came over to my house and I think he was mostly afraid to try anything at my house. But if I learned anything from this, I learned that I really want a man that can be comfortable with my family. He can not just steal me away from his or my family to be alone in some corner of the house. When he’s over, he should connect with not only me, but with my family as well. That’s such an important realization for me.

Thursday, August 18th, 2011  12:00 pm “I Hope You Dance” Lee Ann Womack

Monday was good. Went shopping and got black skinny jeans (Which I still fit in to this day), a floral blouse, and a navy blue tank. For dinner we had pizza! Tuesday we went to Raleigh and ate lunch and cheesecake at the Cheesecake factory in the Crabtree mall where we shopped and I bought a Hollister hoodie for 50% off! Went home, watched a movie “Limitless” then stayed up to 4:00 am wondering why Jonathan didn’t call me. Wednesday we went to get school supplies. I’m so excited for school! Sad thing is I found out I have Mrs. Davis  and I didn’t get Choir/Music! Oh well… I thought Jonathan wanted to break up with me. So we had a talk and I guess things are better! I am writing a song. My band’s called “Perspective”. My concert is this and next Saturday!

I think that when I was dating someone seriously for the first time, I just was used to these ups and downs, fighting, almost breaking up. But now I know that if I date anyone, I never want to have to question whether they love me or not, like it was with Jonathan. It was a constant back and forth scenario that I now understand is an unhealthy relationship. As vulnerable and emotional as I was already, this relationship was the cherry on top to making me an emotional wreck.

Saturday, August 20th, 2011 10:00 pm  “Fearless” Taylor Swift

Listening to Taylor Swift. It’s corny, but it just gets me thinking about who my soulmate is (Because, of course, I knew I had not met him yet). I wish I knew. I wish I knew. A little depressed. Love gets you depressed when you feel it isn’t there. Last night I went to the skating rink with friends and had a good time. I’m so scared…. I just don’t want him to leave me…. I’ve never felt this way about someone. Do I need to keep him interested? How? We’ve been dating for about 16 months. That’s a long time. I’m scared about what is to come. I need strength (To maybe let go?). I need change. Well…. Thursday I played videos all day. School is in 5 days. Who isn’t nervous?

I’m not speaking to my siblings because they decided to go into my bedroom without permission and rip my Seventeen magazines. So, yeah I was mad. Tearing up.. If Jon breaks up with me now, we probably will never get back together. So what’s the point of having a good year this year? It’s sad enough moving somewhere for high school without friends. Making it miserable here too will just make me the most miserable teenager the world will ever see. Broken-hearted, lost, and no friends. Can’t wait.

I was one really, really insecure middle-schooler. I think I was in love with the idea of Jonathan, someone to call a boyfriend, but I wasn’t actually in love with him. To be able to tell the difference between the two would take a few more years. I still find myself highly insecure of myself, and I’m sure it won’t stop until I’m long gone. There will always be something I want to improve on. I might’ve felt like in order to love myself I needed someone to love me. But on important Life Lesson that I will continue to work on, is to love myself first. Because no can love you truly unless you love yourself too.

 

Fights are more common in Southern Middle Schools. This is why.

Schools in the southern states tend to not have quite as much money as other parts do. I had no choice but to attend a public school called Easter Wayne Middle School. Although the sports teams were great, the system was not. It was militarized, and we were all set up for failure. All of us were treated like thugs, so we were expected to be them. Eventually, we turned into them. Not all of us, if you didn't you were either a loser or a prep. I was a mix between the two.

Friday, May 20th, 2011

We watched a movie all day, Diary, something happened. After lunch, Jonathan and Eric were playing. They were like, "Let's go, then!" and talking about how they could beat each other up in a fight. I told them, how about a fair arm wrestle match? So they did, Eric won. Jonathan and Eric walked over by the wall of the building, talking again. Then they moved their arms. First smiles, then seconds later after Eric pushed him into a wall, it was game over. I was frightened. But I kept jumping in between them. Separating them. Shoving, pushing, hitting. It wasn't a real fight yet but they still were going to get hurt or in trouble. I didn't know what to do. "Stop" "Chill out" "John" "Eric" Stop it.. Stop it… Stop it… Then Jonathan grabbed my wrists and pushed me down on the ground and they were getting madder by the second. I kept looking back and forth. I didn't know who they were anymore. It was as if a mask was removed and what was revealed was a grimace of hate, anger, and brutal revenge. If I hadn't been there, they would have gotten in trouble or worse. I was very upset with both of them. Jonathan walked away. He did the right thing. I moved from Eric. I did not want to speak or look at any of them. My legs were shaking. I was scared and very upset.

After the movie I went to Elective. I tried to explain a tiny bit. I was still upset with Jonathan. I couldn't believe I let him hug me. During gym, I told Eric how I felt and hung out with Bailee, Yehdarm, Sammy, Shelby, and friends. We played tag and Me and Bailee talked about what had happened. Eric ALSO decided to tell Yehdarm to "Go To Hell" so that made Bailee and me VERY angry. You see, we are going to be there for our friends. No matter what. Me and Bailee were thinking about dumping our boyfriends but I couldn't somehow (Why didn't I?). Bailee and Eric broke up after school. I walked to the buses kind of barely able to talk to Jon because Collin Cornelius (Yes, that's his actual name), a guy who recently revealed had a crush on me, was talking to me- A LOT. So basically, I have a lot of things to say.

2. On Thursday night Megan Mozingo got a lot of awards. After my award ceremony where I got a certificate and trophy, I went to Coldstone and got a Strawberry Bananza Smoothie.
4. In the locker room on Friday Diary, is a secret I must not tell anyone. I was NOT involved but around the corner of the locker room I heard that Samantha Cross had been doing bad things. Very Very bad things (I wish I wrote them down). If  I tell anyone she could get arrested and it's best not to say a word but I feel rotten keeping this secret. ( I suppose it was weed or cigarettes)
6. Also, while I was on the way to the buses, a fight was going on between Tiana and Lily. They are both a little "different", but Lily was very strong and can do tricks was beating her up. Tiana was crying and bruised and hurt. Mrs. Horton had to save her. It was all caught on video and put online 😦 That person who put it online will get in trouble also.

I feel so weird. I've never been this close to so much peer (I think I meant peer pressure) and danger and emotional drama. I love my friends because they are nothing like that. I talked it through with Jonathan. We were about to break up but thankfully we made up. We hope to have a "play date" this weekend (Ugh, hearing that word makes me want to throw up).

As you can see, I think I grew up a lot differently than most people. Luckily, I never got in a fight with someone. But unfortunately, I have been stuck in the middle of fights and witnessed violence, drugs, and things that don't belong in a middle school. I did my best to focus on things, sometimes anything, besides the problems brewing. Whether it was soccer, or art, or a terrible boyfriend. I had my distractions to keep myself out of trouble. But sometimes I found that some these distractions were making my life miserable.

Pool Party

Trying to make this journal entry shorter… not so many pages left. The pool party was great. There was so much food and a huge cake with our colors and a soccer ball on top. There were tons of floaties everywhere and we had fun squirting at each other with guns in one big fight. Allison B, Ashley, McKaylin, Kiesha, Kira, Erica, Khadijah, Jordan, Allison D., Mrs. Klinkicht, Vincent, and me. We played chicken, had water fights, a dive contest, played Marco Polo, and just plain dance partied while taking pictures of all of us jumping in. Erica took another silly picture of Kira and sent it to me. After I went home all wet, I called my nerdy hottie Jonathan to put it on FB. He did. Kira is now going to kill me (Facebook was like a game, take embarrassing pictures or random statuses and upload them for fun). It's really funny though. Kiesha really wanted me to. But after she sees it and hates me, I'll remove it. So, me and Jonathan are doing okay (That's never a good sign). My dad is getting weirder by the age, Ava is obsessed with her hamster Mia, Alex is getting lessons from my crazy sister and her crazy cartoons, and my mother is getting prettier by the age. She would probably read this, Diary, so it's best to say something nice or nothing at all. I hope I have a good night sleep, and I hope I get lucky this week.

Saturday, May 21st, 2011

This Saturday was fun! People say the world will end today at 6:00pm. I went over to Jonathan's house. It was fun. We played soccer a lot, we also sat in the shade on the swing and looked at the clouds. Very relaxing. All me and Jonathan felt like doing was relaxing. We played connect four a few times and I beat him and he didn't even know! But mostly, we just had hot pockets and water for lunch (We ate so much hot pockets). It was yummy. I got a picture of Jon eating his hot pocket and spitting it out (If your maturity is at this animalistic level, you should NOT be dating). It looked like he was throwing up. After lunch, we sat on the couch and talked. I fell asleep for a couple of seconds because he was stroking my hands. It was weird. I also taught Jonathan how to massage back and feet. Jonathan gave me a kiss on the cheek before we heard the door bell ringing and I went home. My mom then drove me to Bess's house to babysit their kids. They were a handful but I did a good job and made sure Holden and Mehren went to bed. I got home with 36$ for just babysitting for about 4 hours!

Sunday May 22nd, 2011

Today I went to the pool and it was very fun. Then we had a Barbeque tonight. It was delicious. There were flies that I had to swat but the good thing was the dessert: Brownies, Banana pudding, and a super good Strawberry Kiwi pie!

Monday-Friday May 23rd-27th, 2011

This week is the EOGs!!!

It went better than I thought. I studied, and remembered almost everything, like formulas. Every morning we go to homeroom and have a little breakfast and talk and test. All day. Have a late lunch, and do nothing but electives, and boring stuff outside. But it was kind of fun! When I got home I went to dinner with the neighbors to a Mongolian Grill. I was on the phone with Jonathan about trying to forget feelings for Cuashon. I love Jonathan. And he didn't get it. I wanted to work it out with him that night. So I was going to the skating rink that night and I asked him to come skate. By the way, I had my dinner with chopsticks. I was excited to skate with him despite the sad talk we had. I skated with friends. Then he came in. I realized why he was here. He was going to break up with me. I met him at the lockers. I was scared. He saw me and told me it's not going to work out. He gave me a hug and left. I was in shock for about a couple of hours. I should've stopped him. I left. I was so depressed. I was on the phone telling him how much I love him and need him, and am so sorry ( I was so pathetic, I didn't need him). I begged him to go back out with me. He said fine and I felt a lot better. The whole weekend we tried talking through. I was seriously upset and sorry. Cuashon means nothing to me now. I don't know what I would do without Jonathan Klem (Everything?).

Me and Jonathan made a list of dares to do at the pool party and I did scrabble and play outide with the neighbors. On Tuesday I went ot he pool all day and that week from Tuesday to Thursday was boring remediation classes. I thankfully got ot kiss Jonathan once a day. I love him a lot. He told me I have to gain his trust back and on Thursday I made myself look pretty. He thought I looked good. School's been boring, especially since I'm waiting to get the yearbook and I can't go on the Choice Reward Fieldtrip because I was tardy that one time.

Today is Friday, June 3rd, 2011.

I'm on a bus on the way to Kings Dominion Amusement Park in Richmond, Virginia for a Beta Club Fieldtrip. It's going ot be fun riding roller coasrer while other students are at school. We stopped to get gas and something to eat at Burger King and Starbucks and use the bathroom. I'm so excited to ride the Intimidator 3000! It's the fastest rollercoaster!

OMG IT WAS FLIPP'N AWESOME! We did every fun thrilling ride like Dominator, Intimidator 350, Volcano Blaster, Grizzly Hunter, Rebel Yell, and some water rides where me, Katylyn, Bailee, and Shelby got soaked on. It was a blast and I used all my money expect the 42$ spent on yearbooks! I got a small/decent meal, drinks, snack, breakfast, treat, and a gift for Jonathan for 23 dollars in all. What a day!

Though my legs were sore, I got home, yet, on the way back, Katlyn took up the two seats to sleep and I moved to a different two seats to sleep and I made a new friend named Kyle Kyker (I have no idea who comes up with these weird names I swear). He flirted with me and when I was asleep and he was asleep on the floor I woke up with his head and hands on my hips. I pretended to nudge myself in my sleep and he got off. Eww. Totally. Violated. Well, basically this weekend I relaxed and went to the pool. It was finally the last week of school and I was excited for Jonathan's pool party! This week the 7th grade hallway was having retesting for EOG's (Kids who failed or got scores too low had to retake them) so from Monday-Wednesday I got to spend the whole day learning nothing and spending time with my boyfriend. It's brought us closer and I learned how to play chess and I beat Jon twice. I'm only a beginner! Those were my first times I've played (I think he let me win)! I sat by Jonathan in class, lunch, and sometimes everywhere. We were good friends. We watched movies, drew, talked, played checkers, chess, and sometimes computer games if there was a computer. Me and Jonathan got to hug, kiss, hold hands, and laugh – a lot! We are so close and we have nothing to hide. Even though I'm nervous about Friday in my bathing suit… Anyway, Me and Jonathan hope that if we never find someone better, we should meet again when we are older (Not happening, he's currently with someone he's been with for 4-5 years and I'm very happy in a 5-month old relationship). Eric and Bailee broke up but still have feelings about each other! Josh wants to break up with Bailee, let's just see how it turns out Friday Thursday is the 7th grade ceremony and the 8th grade ceremony is Friday. I have to dress up Friday because I'm a Marshall and I hope I ride the bus home with Jon on Friday as well! I'm also invited to Elouise and Jordan's Pool Party/Sleep over on Friday and I have to see if I can make it too.

Friday June 10th, 2011 – Friday June 17th, 2011

Friday was the last day of school. It was exciting and sad. Bailee & Josh broke up and Eric really wants to ask her out. I did the Marshall thing at the 8th grade ceremony which was a real boring 2 hours! I spent a lot of time with my friends, got my report card, and rode the bus home with Jonathan. It was fun. He told me he's always wanted to walk home with me hand in hand. We got home and his mom was very upset. Jonathan didn't do his chores so Mrs. Valerie cancelled the party and was upset with Jon for not telling everyone it was cancelled and bringing me home. So Mrs. Valerie drove me home talking about Jon to be blamed. She talked to my mother and left. I was sad. Time for Plan B. I went to Elouise and Jordan's Pool Party /Sleepover and swam and ate LOTS of food. I was the last person to fall asleep at 5 am. Jon's pool party is going to be rescheduled. I hope Jonathan gets better because he's sick. I'm on my monthly gift and I learned how to use a tampon so I could go swimming. I slept all day because I only slept the night before for 3 hours. Ugh. I hope this week goes well!

Basically sleeping in, eating, playing games, relaxing, and dreaming. My only social life is Facebook and Jonathan Klem (Not good). He is having a pool party at his house Friday. I'm going to it from 1:30-10:30 (: I came, hungout, we did our dares, some were funny like Jon had to wear my short shorts! and some were crazy like putting peanut butter on our faces for fun. We also did feet massaging which felt amazing. Later, Cainen came over and we swam. It was fun and crazy. Then we had amazing Brooklyn Pizza, watched Adventure Time, went upstairs, hung out, played Sims on the Xbox and Jonathan's character tried to make my character a mom 😡

Eww. Then we went outside, took a nice walk, and sat on the bench and relaxed. Me and Jonathan talked about a lot of things like our family, and love for music, and other good things. When I was with him, which as I'm writing this wasn't even an hour ago, I tried to cherish every last minute we had to see each other until we had to be separated. I love him more than anything in the whole world. He's my second half. He gets me. We trust each other like life-long friends ( We weren't as life long as I thought). I've never out of the time I've moved, have been this close to someone. I don't think I'll meet another man (He's not one) that loves me, respects me, and trusts me the same way he does (Maybe not the same way, but definitely a lot better). There's never going yo be another guy that loves the same 80's pop music (It's a phase), and same humor as me. He'll always be in my heart. Somehow, remembering him when I get older without him will make me depressed (It really doesn't). But forgetting him will always be harder than leaving him. Forever and ever.

This past year going from twelve years old to thirteen years old was a big change. I am now a teenager. I will never forget the people I love and the people I used to know. You have to cherish every thing you have. Falling in love with one person all year was the biggest experience for me and I'm happy to always remember my experiences through my diary. Because one day I'll miss these moments, when I'm in my 70's or 80's (Or 20's). But what I'm most thankful for is my life and how privileged I am by God to have wonderful parents, brother, sister, family, pets, friends, teachers, coaches, and neighbors. I'm thankful for my love of my life, Jonathan. Also everything I have ever received. Thank you. Another thing I'm grateful for is having more time to live who I am now. A teenager. I'1l truly miss it. I haven't messed up my life so far. Which is terrific. I hope to keep it that way my whole life. I'm welcoming another beautiful year. I love you. I love myself. I love everything. I love my life.

In a nutshell, I think my 12-year-old/13-year-old self would've done better without a boyfriend and probably without Facebook. I think I should have enjoyed my childhood to best of my abilities. I was aware that nothing lasts forever, but I think many kids around me, including myself, wanted to grow up faster. In fact, right now, I want to grow up faster. I need to slow down. Smell the roses, or whatever. These six years have flown by faster than I ever imagined. I can't imagine where I'll be in another six.

Family Vacations, Relationship Stress, and Other End-Of-The-Year Realizations

The choices we make affect many things in our lives. Sometimes we wait too long before we realize our choices were bad ones. I tend to wait far past the expiration date.

Day 1: Disney World (Sunday, April 24th, 2011)

We left. Very early.

It took 10-11 hours of driving. Me and Ava watched the movies Tangled and Despicable Me. We got to the hotel in Florida and it's really nice. In the morning we got confused about taking the bus. But eventually we spent our Easter Sunday at the Magic Kingdom. It was so big and so beautiful. Music, Laughter, Sights! So many details everywhere. It was so fun and clean. We went to Tomorrowland and did the "Speedway" which was lame, and the "Space Mountain" which was awesome! It was dark and fast. We did a bunch of rides in Fantasyland like "Peter Pan", "Philormagic", and "It's a Small World". Then we did the Haunted Mansion in Liberty Square. That was fun. And scary. We also did Frontier Land with the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad x2 and Splash Mountain that had a huge fall. We left Magic Kingdom and Mom and Alex took a nap while me, Ava, and Dad went to the Mickey-Shaped Pool and went swimming. Then later we went back to Magic Kingdom and went to have dinner, went on the Jungle Safari Ride and Pirates of the Carribean Ride. It was fun and then it got dark and we went in front of the castle and watched a parade , it was beautiful. The Characters were on lighted floats and then we sat down and watched another light performance where a projector would light up the main castle and make it look real and neat. Then we watched a "Wishes come true" firework show. It was beautiful. Ava fell asleep through the show but at the grand finale Ava's eyes fluttered open. It was like magic. I made a wish for Ava to be happy with her life just like Tanya could have been. I'm going to be there for her.

Day 2: Disney World (Monday, April 25th, 2011)

Today we went to Typhoon Lagoon water park. It was big and we went on many rides..some gave me a wedgie. But it was really fun. There was a really big wave pool there. There was humongous waves and wide beaches. Afterward, I bought two anklets. there were different colors for different fortunes.

Aqua=Romance Dark Blue=Luck Purple=Passion Pink=Love Green=Wealth Peach=Happiness White=Peace All colors= Long life

I got one with all colors and a dark blue one for Jonathan. That night we went to Downtown Disney where we saw Legos and went shopping and ate at this cool Dinosaur Restaurant. I bought a $20 Mickey Mouse T-shirt. We went to bed and pretty much every morning I would eat a pop-tart and usually every night after Disney I would take a shower.

Day 3: Disney World (Tuesday, April 26th, 2011)

Today we went to Disney's Hollywood Studios. Basically we got Fastpass for Toy Story Mania first and then we went on the Hollywood Hotel: The Twilight Zone Tower of Terror. It was a long ride in an elevator. It was dark and creepy and then we went up and down in a freaky ride. Dad bought a funny picture of everyone. I bought a mood bracelet. Then, we went on the Rock'n Roller Coaster with Aerosmith. The line took forever and the ride went by fast. We went on the Great Movie Ride that showed clips from famous movies. and then we went on Toy Story Mania game and then we bought yummy treats. That night we went to Medieval Times. We wore Yellow crowns and cheered for the Yellow Competitor. We watched them joust on horses while we ate a feast of soup, bread, Chicken, Ribs, Potatoes, and Dessert without utensils! I felt like we were in the 13th century! It was a good dinner and show, and we went home and I goofed off.

Day 4: Disney World (Wednesday, April 27th, 2011)

Today we woke up early and went to Blizzard Beach. It was cool. We went on Teamboat Rafts at the top (which we went on chairlifts to get to the top). It was fun. Me and my sister went on the biggest ride there. The Summit Plummet. 160 ft. drop body slide. I was scared. But I did it and got my butt rubbed raw. Then, we did everything else like handle bar jump, races, and a small wave pool. It was pretty cool. Soon after that we took the bus to Animal Kingdom. We saw lots of animals and a 3-D Bug Show. We went to "Asia" and checked out some shops. We went on Mt. Everest. It was fast, long, and Awesome! You see here's the math=

More screaming + The scarier + the faster + the longer+ coolness = Best Ride Ever!

Then we walked to the Rainforest Cafe and had good food and we bought Vinlmation pins and figures. I got cool ones! And a chain for them all. We went on a safari ride and almost missed our bus to the hotel. That night we got icecream and I played legos with Alex while Mom and Dad went out.

Thursday April 28th, 2011

We woke up wherever we fell. Slowly, we got ready and left. Now we are on a 12-hour trip back home. It's raining (: All I can think about is seeing Jonathan. I feel like we are very far apart. I wish to relax this weekend. Next month, or so, my parent are leaving for a memorial and I get to stay with one of my friends. My mom is going to ask Sarah and Melissa (The Twin's) mom.

Friday  April 29th, 2011

Right now there's a pile of papers, pictures, scissors, and crap on my desk from scrap booking all day. I stopped because I was out of tape. I feel really happy. My life is so perfect right now. I feel like I need poor kids to feel the way I do (I didn't mean to put that in those words, but I think you understand that I wanted to give back), and I think I have an opportunity to do so (We have opportunities every day to give back to the poor, the sick, and the people in need, I think that was my thirteen-year-old self realizing this). Tomorrow I'm seeing the movie "Prom" with Jonathan ( Because it's not like we'd ever go together). I'm excited. I hope the movie is good.

Saturday April 30th, 2011

Today I am going to the movies with Jonathan to see "Prom". Today, Me, My mom, and Ava got our nails done. Mine are light pink. I also bought a sundress. It's long and blue. So we picked up Jonathan and (me and Dad) talked in the car and then I went and saw the movie and gave Jonathan his blue bracelet.

Sunday & Monday May 1st & 2nd, 2011

Nothing really happened Sunday and Monday. I got my tie-dye t-shirt and it was our last soccer practice today. Jonathan's new nickname is CrabCake (Which was probably a tier less offensive than Cracker). He's so cute. When I see his face and actually look at it… I remember every good time I had with him and it makes me happy. I gave him a list of reasons why I love him.

Tuesday May 3rd, 2011

Basically I wore my dress to school and Jonathan was nice. Later on, Jonathan ignored me all day and I got upset. Sad. Then, Jasmine said they were doing it on purpose to make me mad? Do they expect me to be gullible (I very much am, which took five years to fully admit)? Will they laugh when my feelings are hurt? Jonathan understood and everything was okay at lunch. Then, before the end of the day I see him and Eric laughing about me again and I just walk away. I won't deal with this. So I think Jonathan gets the message. And I chase after him, but he goes to the trailers (Temporary school buildings as our school gets renovated). I see him on the other side and cuss which was a big mistake and walk away. He chases after me and I tell him "No", he should go to class. And I push him away and he goes.

I feel guilty and so… miserable. After school, I hug him and tell him I was sorry for being so stupid. He asks me if I want him to come to my last game and I say Yes! So I tell Jonathan I love yous. The game starts and the first time I'm out there I screw up and lose the ball. The second time , I put my game on. We won 9-0! We are Conference Champs! We poured water on Mrs. Klink-i-dink! There's going to be a Pool Party on the 20th and I say goodbye to Jon. At 6:30 I went to the Pizza Inn with the Soccer team and everybody and we have fun eating, laughing, and talking! Kira brought me home (8:30) and Me and Jonathan talked on the phone till 10 pm!

Wednesday May 4th, 2011

Wasn't tired this morning. But me and Jonathan are in love again (What a surprise). It's great. Before 2nd Elective, Jonathan leans in slow… I lean in slow.. and our lips touch softly. No signs of urgency or anxiety. It was beautiful until Savannah Phelps yelled, "Alysa!" Lol! It was sweet. No more soccer practice! At Home!!! This weekend was good. I babysat a bunch. And I ate junk food. But I did 500 situps (How in the world was I able to do that?) this weekend and my abs are so sore! Kiesha put Kira's funny picture we took at the Pizza Inn with Mrs. Davis and she's going to put it in the yearbook! So me and Kira are gonna get revenge. Jonathan also got upset with me for asking him if he could be a little more romantic (I was definitely doing a lot of the work if you couldn't tell). SO STUPID. I can't ask him to be something he's not… But we made up even though he said a lot of stuff that hurt me </3    I hope Bailee and Eric don't break up. Josh and Jordan were going out but Josh broke up with her for her sister Elouise when she doesn't know it! Me and Jonathan have created a group called "YOU have the Power to Conserve!" on Facebook. We hope that if we get enough followers we can get Facebook to change it's background to black to save energy (I found out as I write this that the black backgrounds actually use up more energy than white backgrounds)! Can you imagine how many people go on Facebook every day and how that would help? On Monday, May 9th, after school I was walking with Jonathan. He held my hand tight and then he started running and I tripped, fell, and got dragged farther by him. I scraped my leg, hands, and ankle. I was bleeding fast. Jon's friends were like, "How could you do that to your girl friend?" I was embarrassed. Jonathan walked away and I tried to keep up with him without staring at the blood dripping down my leg. He felt bad. But I got on the bus and asked the bus driver for a first aid but he didn't have one! He gave me Kleenex that left cotton on my wound.

The next day, I was excited. Today was Jonathan's chorus concert. I loved him so much! And we kept winking, hugging, flirting all day. We switched hoodies again. I love how it smells. It's like he's here lol. But while I was doing gym, he was singing and that night I couldn't wait any longer.

I had to leave school early and go to Target with Mom and her friend's son, Thomas. We were supposed to meet her but then she told us to meet her at 7pm! So I hoped she would come early and I wasn't being impatient at all. My mom went inside a daycare called Playdate to wait while I was in the car. I started crying at 7:10! I was already missing the  performance but when I got there they were singing and so I quickly seated myself over on the other side of the gym behind the band. Allison Dixon and two others already did a ballet routine.

Jonathan would so dig Allison. She is so much better than me. I'm like an embarrassment compared to her. She won Warrior Idol this year, she's athletic, nice, pretty, and a size C! She's also referred to as "flexible" by Eric and Jon. What do I got? Nothing. I'm nerdy, I wear tacky clothes, I often mess up and embarrass myself, I'm shy, freckly, zitty, weird, sensitive, clingy, pathetic, size A, and nothing Jonathan probably wants in a girl. Jonathan is amazing. And smart. How could anyone that beautiful love a new shy girl like me? But you know what? It may not seem like reality to me, but sometimes you need to embrace all that you are give and cherish it. I love Jonathan so much. I wish our love would last forever.

The concert was good. My favorites were Fireflies, I Haven't Met You Yet, and Living on a Prayer. They did so good! I was blushing the entire time. But before "I Haven't Met You Yet" Mrs. Morris was talking about how the song means that they are compromising with the person they will spend the rest of their lives with. Someone they haven't met yet. And it made me look at what's real. I always trusted myself with my imagination. And imagining Jonathan loves me enough to marry me isn't real at all (I finally had some sense). That might not happen (And it didn't). There's so many odds of what my life will be. It saddened me to think an Air Force Brat like me could be in love with the "sweetest guy in the world"(I would find much sweeter ones later). But maybe God is giving me or us this privilege to love each other now and I hope that me and Jonathan can make the most out of it. God has my life planned ahead.

I gave my friends flowers. They kind of got ruined from sitting in the car. I went home with Jonathan and kissed him. I said goodbye and talked to him late.

As insecure and needy as we all maybe be at some point, we come to realize one thing. That perhaps things won't work out as planned. As a child, we get our hopes up and things are almost always on time. Santa's on time, Dinner's on time, Bedtime has a set time. Through all of these schedules and regimes, we also have chaos. We don't sleep, we don't get the Barbie doll we wanted, and mom made pot roast- your least favorite. Sometimes life is just about being grateful and hoping for the best in the future.

Wednesday, May 11th, 2011

I got Mother Nature's Monthly Gift. Finally. But this morning I had some bread and went to school in a good mood. Then throughout the day I felt queasy in the stomach and had cramps. I felt SO sick. I couldn't eat lunch. I had no appetite. I felt better after I went home and took a 3 hour nap. Tomorrow we are making brownies I think. I don't want to miss that. So if I'm not feeling good tomorrow morning I'll ask my mom for some Tums or something.

Thursday, May 12th, 2011

I took PMS pills and felt SO much better but I was extremely hyper. I kept waking up at night and in the morning I was jittery. Yet, I did my work faster than I would normally (What did my mom give me? Adderall?) do at this time in the morning when everyone is groggy. I left class to take the IOWA test. It's a test to see if you can take Algebra next year. Jon took it with me.

Friday, May 13th, 2011

Today I found my soccer T-shirt and wore it to school. I wore pants that were too tight.

Weekend, May 14th-15th, 2011

Me and Jonathan tried to plan a playdate and everything was planned out but then Jon's parents called it off to next weekend. I was sad but after long conversations with Jon, I felt better. This week end was ugly, so I decided to play Epic Mickey. Monday was okay, I had to do duck walks because I forgot my shorts but overall, the day was good. Jon's being so flirty this week, He's so cute!

Tuesday, May 17th, 2011

I've been working on a balloon-powered race car for a science project lately and I really hope it turns out (: Today I brought to school a peanut butter sandwich made with the last of my favorite Hell's Kitchen Peanut Butter from Grandma with Jonathan's face on it (What the actual fuck). I've been turning my lunch into works of art. That's how badly I look for a creative and loving outlet (I'm laughing so hard at this right now). But I looked crazy (No kidding). Jon told me that he was moving and I nearly burst into tears until I found he was lying. Thank goodness! I swear, the day we have to leave, they won't be able to throw me in the car without taping/roping we up and knocking me out. Nothing will keep me and him apart (distance helps). Unless we become pointless…forgotten… memories. 😦

People keep following me and Jonathan to our electives to watch us hug or kiss. It is getting on my NERVES. Lol (Why did I always end sentences with this?) It's very annoying. It's my favorite part of the day and some people ruin that…   Thursday is the Athletic Banquet where we will get trophies for being 2011 Girls Soccer Conference Champs and Friday is our Soccer Pool Party in Raintree (my neighborhood).  I also got out of class today to sign a card for Mrs. Klink. Most of the soccer team on our hall were hugging and speaking quietly during Channel One (A show we had to write on at the beginning of school). I'm in my room now. I got in trouble for getting a brownie before it was done cooling 😦 Mrs. Quinn told us to start eating breakfast because of EOGs coming up.

Thursday, May 19th, 2011

Today was the balloon race. I sat with Jon and Eric. Eric is thinking about breaking up with Bailee because she ignores him a lot. The balloon race was okay. Mrs. Quinn told me and Jon to scoot away when Jon was closer to Eric then he was to me! And then Cuashon sat next to me. I think I'm acting like I don't like him. I tried scooting away. Then I moved down, he moved down. I sat up, he started getting up and he got so close he was nudging me shoulder (Oh no! Not the Shoulder!)! I tried to act disgusted, I was really, but I didn't want Jon to overreact. After I switched seats with Eric, he moved across the bleachers. I do feel bad. For him. I never realized a friend you are close with, once hated, once loved, now avoided, finally loves you. You can't comprehend. Because if you react, then others do to. Do I love him? No. Not quite sure. I love my friends. When me and Jonathan break up, then I'm staying with my friends. I can't jump into a new relationship. But should I give him a chance? After all, heck, it's my last year here. Hopefully. I really don't want to leave but some choices aren't yours to make.

Sometimes when the years come closer to an end, we get an urgency. Some unfinished business to attend to, some last words to stay to your peers or crushes, or just enjoying the moments and looking at the big picture. Whatever last minute feelings you feel, it's important to make wise decisions and think about the future, and think about the people you will eventually face again.